Miss Manners: Is displaying unused candelabra a decorative faux pas?

Dear Miss Manners: I have a lovely silver candelabra that is a family piece. I keep it on display on a sideboard in my dining room with white taper candles. It is purely decorative; I have never had the occasion to use it for its intended purpose.

At a shower at my house, one of my friends took me aside to tell me that I was committing a decorating/etiquette faux pas by having unlit candles in the candelabra. She said that I should at least present the appearance that the candelabra was used if I were going to display it.

I had never heard of this. Is she right? Do I need to light all of the candles, let them burn for a little while, and then blow them out?

If Miss Manners explains this to you, are you going to use it as evidence that the entire field of etiquette — the whole paralegal system to regulate human social behavior at a tolerant level — is silly?

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Probably. Nevertheless, she will plunge ahead.

The idea is to avoid displaying things purely for show. Supposedly, you furnish your house for practical reasons — which can include the pleasure you derive from nonutilitarian objects for their aesthetic or sentimental value. That is how you think of your family candelabra.

Nevertheless, it is obviously a utilitarian object, the practical use of which you are ignoring. The candles, being there just for display, are a bit like the fancy guest towels that hosts resent their guests using. Burning the wicks suggests acknowledging their use, even if you do not continue to use them.

Is failing to do so a high crime? Certainly not. Especially when compared to criticizing the decor in a house in which you are a guest.

Dear Miss Manners: My dear friend got married privately during the pandemic, and I gave her a monetary gift in recognition. Now, two years later, I will be attending the celebration of their wedding.

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It’s still a wedding: I have to dress up as a bridesmaid, and there will be dinner, dancing and all. Do I need to provide another gift for her? Same amount? Or a small, physical gift instead?

If you wish, but it is not still a wedding.

This couple is already married. There is nothing wrong with their tossing a party, but Miss Manners wishes that people would stop calling such celebrations “weddings” when they lack the key ingredient: a marriage ceremony.

Dear Miss Manners: A woman in my friend group has earned several advanced degrees and belongs to many prestigious academic and professional societies. I am bothered by the fact that she signs every email, even social ones, with her full name, followed by an alphabet soup of her degrees and affiliations.

This strikes me as braggy and pretentious; do we really need to know her résumé for the purpose of making brunch plans?

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I don’t wish to offend her by objecting to this, as she is perfectly nice and down-to-earth in person. But I’m sure I can’t be the only one feeling annoyed, and possibly belittled, by this practice. What does Miss Manners say?

That the lady must have trouble convincing people that she is educated.

New Miss Manners columns are posted Monday through Saturday on washingtonpost.com/advice. You can send questions to Miss Manners at her website, missmanners.com. You can also follow her @RealMissManners.

© 2023 Judith Martin

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